


If I Lose Myself

by phobphil



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Gen, Original Character(s), Sand Babies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 19:22:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phobphil/pseuds/phobphil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>13 prompts per character</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Lose Myself

**01\. Memory**  
She remembers vividly, the days she spent in Dorne running freely in the streets, mindful not to get in the ways of anyone, least she anger them and they decide to hurt her. She remembers the feeling of the sun and the wind hitting her as she ran, how the smell of every vendor and fruit mixed with the heat of the day or the rats that scurried about. For no amount of perfume from other lands could ever remove the stench of the people haphazardly thrown in to the streets. The world she knew as a child was neither good nor bad, because she was a child who barely knew good from bad. She was a child that just lived, never thinking of anything else.

 **02\. Two Roads**  
She was Berta Sand, a bastard daughter born to two bastards-but-not. She was Roberta of House Targaryen, first of her name, princess of Westeros, heiress to the dragon’s Iron Throne. She was Berta Sand, child of the sun, a red carnation among tulips. She was Roberta of House Targaryen, royal princess, the child of fury and fire. She was Berta, the sister, the secret-keeper, the honest and lying and weak daughter of snow and gold. She was Roberta Targaryen, the dragon’s blood, the traitor’s blood, golden gold blood. She was Berta Sand, the self proclaimed snake. She was Roberta Targaryen, a stag clad in red and black.

She was - who was she?

 **03\. Expectations**  
Westeros was not small by any means. Westeros was not universally united by any means. Westeros was broken. Westeros was bitter. Westeros had bled and bled and it was tired of bleeding, of burning down.

As she watched the funeral pyre, from start and to it’s end, rooted on her spot, she knows she has to fix it. To finish the job that was started. To mend the wounds that are still not healed, the ones that bleed and bleed and burn and burn, and don't seem to ever stop.

She has to heal a kingdom that does not want her, does not want the bastard, does not want the girl, does not want Roberta Targaryen let alone Berta Sand. A place that does not want her. A place that would much rather see her dead.

She has to do it. Has to because it is her duty.

Trying is not an option, trying is not good enough. She has to succeed.

Or die in failure.

That is her duty, the one she carries, not in blood but in her heart.

 **04\. Perfect**  
They fight because they always do, they never really know how not to (that’s a lie but Berta’s bitter and angry and she cant remember the times when they don’t fight). Dany, Dany she-she wants too much!! She wants far too much from Berta as quickly as possible and never stops to think that maybe, just maybe Berta cant do as she wants. That maybe Berta just isnt capable of proving she’s worth it. No, that’s not it, not it at all because dammit, she is not a dog to be commanded, to be told to do this that way and that this way! She wants her freedom, even at the cruel laughter from Dany or her jeers of ‘oh, are you a free woman now?’ because yes, yes she is, what is wrong with wanting to be free? What’s wrong with not wanting to be locked in a pretty cage unable to spread her wings?

Dany wants the necessary princess, the one that can sing and dance and rule and control, and- and Berta is not that princess. She’s not.

She’s not.

 **05\. Keeping a Secret**  
She wraps her ribbon, the gold one she had keeping her hair from her face, around their hands(their signature way of promise) when her brother looks like he does not trust her to keep his secret. “Now you listen here,” she starts to tell him and when he will not face her way she growls, grabs a fist full of his silver head and smashes his forehead against her own. She does not give him time to even let out a curse before she starts speaking again, this time shouting. “Who the hell do you think I am, Rhae?! I am your sister before anything else. I am your twin. I am a part of you dammit, and you of me! I would never do anything to break the trust we’ve had since we were children, this is not an exception, is that understood you damned fool?! Or do I need to hit you once more?” Time stands still and then Rhae laughs, and she lets out a breath of relief.

 **06\. Eyes**  
It’s because no one looks close enough and because no one is truly looking for anything in their eyes that they miss it; the way their eyes reflect more than just color, the way they reflect fire, fury, duty and perseverance.

 **07\. Inner Child**  
You could hear the screams from the yard, the screams of children and the princess. She jumps and runs after them, the children of the cooks, the guards, and her own cousins. She plays with them and makes them laugh, the easiest job she has, the only one that comes naturally to her. The way she throws Gyles into the air and catches him, the way she chases Sun’s Tail and Elyanna across the garden. The young love her because she loves them, but love is not enough when people starve across the land. She knows but cannot act for she does not know how. She feels like a child asked to rule something broken.

 **08\. Traps**  
Mama taught her to listen, and listen well, because no one would be on her side and as consequence everyone would try to twist her words. Everything she could say would be wrong one way or another, but mama taught her and taught her well, that the least wrong answer is the one she needs the most. The only one she will need from now on. Words matter, mama tells her and she must listen to what she is told and asked, and think before she responds, as quickly as possible. No one will side with her except her family, so she must be prepared, for everyone carries all sorts of daggers, the visible and the subtle.

 **09\. Faith**  
She could pray and pray for talent, talent necessary for a proper princess. She learned praying matter not, the only one who could ever change her fate is none other than herself. She could pray for so many things, but in the end it was up to her and her alone.

 **10\. Daydreams**  
They think she must spend her time thinking of swords and dirt and fighting, because she’s the care-free princess they dont expect anything else from her. They’re wrong of course (like always), why would she think of those things when she can go fight with swords and get dirty at the same time? No point in wasting time thinking of such things when she can do them. No, she sits sometimes and wonders, really wonders, if she’s capable, if she can change anything about the kingdom or herself, but most of all she wonders, wonders long and hard, why it had to be her.

 **11\. Hunger**  
She’s not like Rick who has an never-ending appetite, and not like Rhae or Rosa who look like they barely touched their food. She eats, and truly she eats more than enough but she has to because she must keep her strength up no matter what. Her sword is not particularly heavy, but neither is it light. That’s the way its been since she started practicing swordsmanship, and it’s because she cannot afford to be weak.

 **12\. “It’s not enough to do good; one must do it the right way.” - John Viscount Morley, of Blackburn**  
“If I wanted to run away, I would have asked us to run away a long time ago,” she tells her family, “but I know who I am supposed to be and-” she pauses “I may not think I can do it, all of you may not think I can do it. Hells, the whole realm does not believe in me, but that matters not. I will save Westeros, I will finish what was started. Now, I’m not doing this for Dany, not completely. I’m doing this for myself above all else. I have to do my duty to the realm, papa. I have every intention to succeeding, there’s no other option.”

 **13\. “Any Day Now” (The prompt was inspired by an Elvis Presley’s song, but you don’t have to be.)**  
She wonders when people will start to truly voice their dislike of her, not because she enjoys it (not when even as a child they didn’t allow their insults to even be subtle). She wants them to, however, voice their dislike for what they think she is, because it’s not really her, because they do not know her, never even tried to get to know her. So she wants them to be as vocal as possible, so that she can be vocal back.


End file.
